Love Shack: Harry Potter Style
by Guffawing Shenanigans
Summary: Movieverse: Hermione's "cousin" and cousin's best friend come to Hogwarts with a secret plot to get her and Harry together. Hilarity ensues. HermoineHarry, OliverOC(s).


Chapter 1  
  
Harry Potter and his best friend Ron Weasley, were standing with their bookish friend, Hermione, when two unfamiliar girls, at least to the boys, burst through the wall of Platform 9 ¾.  
  
"Jensen!" Hermione squealed running to her blonde cousin.  
  
"Hello Hermione!" Jensen said out of breath from hauling all her luggage through the wall. "This is my friend Carie." Motioning to the older, darker haired girl standing next to her.  
  
"Hello. I'm Hermione Granger. Lovely to meet you."  
  
Carie merely chuckled at the sound of her name but chose to hold her tongue. "Carie." Carie greeted.  
  
"Who are they?" Ron asked.  
  
"Oh, um. Harry, Ron, this is my cousin Jensen and her friend Carie. Carie, Jensen these are my friends Harry Potter and Ron Weasley.  
  
Jensen looked to Carie then back to Ron. "Weasel, huh."  
  
"No, Weasley."  
  
"WEA.. SEL." Jensen said slower.  
  
"Fine, whatever." Ron gave up quickly.  
  
"Shall we go?" Harry said ushering the group into the train.  
  
"Yes we shall." Hermione said cheerily following Harry onto the large scarlet train. Carie gave Jensen a knowing look as they followed their new friend 'Weasel' into the small room. Jensen and Carie sat down on either side of Ron, making him feel oddly uncomfortable. On the other side of the Cabin Harry sat next to Hermione, who sat reading a large hard cover book.  
  
After about an hour Ron had curled up and fell asleep to avoid anymore chatter from his harassers. Hermione had also fell asleep while reading her book, leaving Harry to fend for himself against the two new girls. Harry getting bored quickly as the other two girls talked amongst themselves, noticed himself watching Hermione as she lay sleeping.  
  
"So are you and Hermione shacking it up?" Harry heard Carie asking breaking him from his thoughts.  
  
"What?" He questioned not fully understanding her choice of words and looked to Jensen for help.  
  
"Translation: Are you and Hermione sleeping together." She stated.  
  
Harry looked appalled at the question, "No!" He replied quickly.  
  
"Oh, is she into Weasel here?" Carie asked back handing Ron playfully.  
  
"NO!" he said again."  
  
"Oh, You're into Weasel, I see." Carie stated with a smirk.  
  
"No!" He answered again.  
  
"Then why aren't you two shacking up? I mean she obviously wants you and you blatantly want her." Jensen profoundly stated. Carie and Jensen look at each other with a nod of agreement.  
  
Harry stared at them in horror for a moment, then silently stood and walked quickly out of the room, muttering to himself as he shut the door behind him.  
  
Carie snickered. "Silly British boy. He was talking to himself. All that sexual frustration has driven him to insanity."  
  
"Yes...quite." Jensen agreed, peering down at a still sleeping Ron. She shook her head in disgust. "Gay douche bag." Carie simply chuckled.  
  
"So what do you think this wizard school'll be like anyway?" Carie wondered aloud.  
  
"Umm...magical?"  
  
"I was thinking more along the lines of...very ambiguously gay."  
  
"Hey, do I bash your past times?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Then don't bash mine."  
  
"All right. On to more important things. How are we supposed to get Potter and What's-Her-Face over there to shack it up?"  
  
"Um...lots of Barry White music and candlelit dinners?"  
  
"Right, right. Do you think they even have Barry White music in England?"  
  
"I dunno. Brits might...not too sure about wizards."  
  
Carie grinned, pulling a stack of CDs from her pocket. "Good thing I brought my emergency Insta-Shack CDs."  
  
Jensen took the pile of CDs, looking through them. "Excellent. It was kinda outta left field, but excellent all the same." Jensen suddenly stopped. Slowly, she held up a CD, giving Carie a quizzical stare. "Carie...Mandy Moore?"  
  
"Shut up... I like her music... It makes me happy!"  
  
Just then, Ron stirred between them, rolling over and latching onto Carie in his sleep. Her eyes widened and she began to flail her arms wildly.  
  
"Oh Harry." Ron moaned in his sleep.  
  
"Jensen! JENSEN! Get him off! Get him off!" she cried, scooting backwards in the seat, pulling the still sleeping Ron along with her. "It's touching me! Get it away!"  
  
At the sound of the loud screams, Hermione's eyes fluttered open. She looked oddly at the two girls across from her, as Carie was now backed into a corner, with her hands held up in disgust to keep from touching Ron. Jensen was watching, as if trying to figure out what to do...or whether she would do anything at all. Truth was, it was a very funny scene to watch.  
  
"What's going on here?" Harry asked, re-entering.  
  
"GET IT OFF!!" Carie wailed, pointing at Ron.  
  
Harry looked at Jensen, then Hermione. With a sigh, he walked over to Ron and gave him a slight nudge. Ron's eyes opened and upon seeing himself clinging to Carie immediately scrambled away, turning a deep shade of red.  
  
"Sorry," he muttered.  
  
Jensen leaned over to Carie. "Dude, he so wants to rape Harry up the ass."  
  
"I know, right?" Carie returned. The other three seemed oblivious to their conferencing, as they had already begun a deep, semi-interesting conversation.  
  
The rest of the ride seemed to go slow with Ron's incessant ramblings that seemed to go nowhere. Occasionally Carie and Jensen would make a 'gay' comment directed toward Ron. When they arrived at Hogwart's, Carie and Jensen were separated from the other three and sent on a boat across the lake. Carie, who had been staring at the water contemplating suicide, looked to Jensen who appeared to be having similar thoughts and snidely remarked, "I told you this was gonna be gay!"  
  
"Ron should have been the initial indication!" Jensen said loudly.  
  
"Um... Now repeat what you just said this time in stupid so I can understand."  
  
"I should have seen it, Ron's gay. Therefore the whole school is gay." The blonde girl explained.  
  
"Yeah, tell me about it. Speaking of Ron, how come that douche bag got to ride to the school in a carriage, but we're stuck in these crappy ass boats?!"  
  
"Because, Carie, all first years have to ride to the school in the boats. It's part of the Hogwarts tradition. God Carie I thought you said you saw the movies. "  
  
"First of all I did, just my A.D.D kicked in and I missed parts of the movie and secondly, just because I'm too lazy to actually sit down and read the books doesn't mean that you can make fun of me."  
  
"I wasn't, I was just telling you why we couldn't ride in the carriages, too."  
  
"Oh...well stop with your smart-person explanations."  
  
"Fine."  
  
So, for the rest of the extremely annoying ride across the lake, there was silence between the two girls. When they finally reached the other side, they silently got out of the boat and trudged along after the chattering group of eleven-year-olds that were eager to be going inside the castle.  
  
"What the hell? Why is everyone in this school so gay?" Carie cried, motioning to the frantic children.  
  
"Carie, they're eleven." Jensen said. "They can't help it if they act homosexual."  
  
"I suppose you're right." Carie decided.  
  
"Of course I am. Who's the one who's read all the Harry Potter books?"  
  
"Shut up."  
  
Up the castle stairs they went, into the front hall and up yet another flight of stairs. Standing at the top was an old woman, who looked less than friendly, tapping her fingers impatiently on the stone railing. Jensen and Carie stood at the back of the group, waiting for her to speak.  
"Welcome to Hogwarts." She began suddenly. "My name is Professor McGonagall. I teach Transfiguration. Now, in a moment you will pass through these doors to be sorted into your houses. Please wait here. The ceremony is about to begin." And she walked off.  
  
"Transfiguration? Ceremony?" Carie questioned quickly. "I'm a bit confused."  
  
"Transfiguration...it's where you turn one thing into something else," Jensen explained slowly. "There are four Houses at Hogwarts. The students are sorted into them based on their personalities, and it's pretty much where you live for the year. And every year there's a ceremony for the Sorting, and then a feast afterwards...just to welcome everyone to the school."  
  
Carie glared at her friend, hitting her over the head. "Stop being so smart. I saw the first movie! I know about the houses and that sorting bullshit!"  
  
"Fine."  
  
Just then, McGonagall returned. "Follow me, please." The group now passed through two large doors, into a giant room with four tables. At the head of the room was another table, where the teachers sat. Sitting in front of this table was a shabby looking hat sitting on a stool.  
  
"You'd think for a school that's in a castle, they'd be able to get a cooler hat," Carie whispered.  
  
"It's the Sorting Hat," Jensen told her. "It's really old."  
  
"I didn't ask for your sass," Carie snapped.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
They stopped again behind the rest of the group, glancing around at the already-seated students who were staring at them strangely. It was then that they noticed that they were the only two in the room who weren't dressed in black robes. It was obvious that they weren't supposed to be there.  
  
"When I call your name, come forward and place the Sorting Hat on your head," McGonagall's voice echoed through the vast chamber. "You will be sorted into your House, and then you will join your classmates of that table." With that, she began calling off names from a list. One by one, the students filed up to the stool, placed the hat on their head, and were sorted into a house. Carie and Jensen waited, a bit impatiently, until there were no more students left except for them.  
  
"And I have two students here...added at the last minute, it seems," McGonagall said after a brief discussion with an old looking wizard at the head of the teacher's table. "Darden, Jensen!"  
  
Jensen looked around. Realizing it was her that was being called, she scurried up to the stool and picked up the hat carefully. Then, she dropped it onto her head. It took a few moments for the hat to sort her, but soon enough it shouted out, "GRYFFINDOR!" to the whole room. She stood, taking off the hat, and looked around for the Gryffindor table. Spotting it, as Harry, Ron and Hermione were in that house, she went and sat down.  
  
"Carie........ Carie!" McGonagall called.  
  
Carie walked up and put the hat on. "GRYFFINDOR!" it shouted quickly. Carie removed the hat and stared awkwardly around the room for a minute. Seeing Jensen waving her to the table, she went over and sat beside her.  
  
The feast began soon afterward. Harry and Ron were soon deep in discussion about Quidditch, so Carie and Jensen took this opportunity to talk to Hermione...er...privately.  
  
"So, What's-Yer-Name, are you and Harry shacking it up?" Carie questioned.  
  
"What?" Hermione asked, looking to Jensen for a translation.  
  
"Are you two humping like bunnies in the garden?" Jensen droned dully, a bit annoyed with being asked to help again.  
  
"Oh....NO!" Hermione cried.  
  
"Oh I get it. You're more Ron's type," Carie concluded.  
  
"NO!" Hermione said again.  
  
"OH!" Carie said in revelation. "HE'S more Ron's type, I knew it!" She concluded smashing her fist on the table.  
  
"NO!" Hermione repeated, now thoroughly disgusted.  
  
"Then, why not? If I were you I'd totally be tappin' that ass. But I'm not you; I'm me so.... Yeah." An awkward silence ensued only to be broken by Ron's gay ramblings.  
  
"Dude!!" Carie yelled at Ron, turning to him angrily, "If you don't shut your mouth, I will shove a Quidditch broom up your... Oh wait you'd enjoy that TOO MUCH you DOUCHE BAG. I guess I'll just BEAT YOU TO DEATH with it and then PRANCE merrily around your DEAD CARCASS!!!" Carie screamed in an enraged rampage standing over Ron with a clenched fist. He shook in fear as he watched her with a terrified expression on his now pale face. Carie looked up at the now silent room, everyone watched to see what the crazed new comer would do next.  
  
Before the teacher could yell, the front doors swung open. Jensen and Carie's attention was diverted, along with everyone else's, for the time being. In walked a tall boy with brown hair...Carie and Jensen's jaws dropped and drool began to pool around their feet. He walked casually over to them, smiling.  
  
"You must be the new girls in Gryffindor," he said. "I'm Oliver Wood, captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team."  
  
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Carie said slowly, "but it was hot anyway."  
  
He gave her an odd look. "Okay..."  
  
"You have a Scottish accent," Jensen informed him, as if he didn't already know.  
  
"Well...yes...I am from Scotland," he replied.  
  
"I know...Scottish people are so hot," she said. "I think it's the accent."  
  
To this he didn't reply, simply gave them another quizzical look.  
  
"Mr. Wood!" McGonagall screeched from the front table. "I would greatly appreciate it if you would be on time to everything from now on!"  
  
"Sorry, Professor," he apologized quickly.  
  
"Dude, bitch, pull the tapeworm outta yer ass!" Carie shouted, covering her mouth so that no one would know it was her. The Great Hall erupted in laughter. Jensen looked at Carie oddly.  
  
"Dude did you just use the words, 'Dude, bitch' in a serious sentence?"  
  
"Yeah! So?"  
  
"Oh well, whatever. Come here, Oliver, you can sit in between us," Jensen offered, taking him by the arm and yanked him into the seat.  
  
"Who said that?!" McGonagall demanded, looking around the hall, searching for the culprit. Carie began looking around innocently, twirling her thumbs and humming to herself. After a moment of no success, McGonagall decided to let it go and sat back down. Carie chuckled to herself.  
  
"They make it so easy," she muttered, reaching for a chicken wing. Suddenly, a transparent head appeared in the middle of the plate. Instead of being freaked out, as most people were, Carie's face light up. "OH MY GOD! IT'S JOHN CLEESE!"  
  
The ghost's head gave her an odd look. "No, I'm Sir Nicholas."  
  
"All right, Johnny, whatever man," she said. "Can you do the Dead Parrot Sketch? I'll be the shopkeeper."  
  
Sir Nicholas floated up through the table. "I have no idea what you're talking about."  
  
"Alright, man calm down, don't blow your top... Oh, sorry no pun intended." Carie said to an obviously angry nearly headless ghost.  
  
A while later Hermione, was walking to the dorms with Jensen and Carie, showing them around and explaining things in excruciating detail.  
  
"Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. So if a girl wanted to bust into the guys dorm she could. But if a dude wanted to bust into our rooms he couldn't because the stairs would turn into a slide?" Carie asked fascinated.  
  
"Precisely." Hermione said.  
  
"Yeah Carie, God didn't you read the fifth book?" Jensen asked.  
  
"Jensen I've told you I've only seen parts of the movies. I'm way too lazy, illiterate and possibly dyslexic to read the books." Carie explained.  
  
"What books, What movies?" Hermione asked in confusion.  
  
Both girls looked at each other nervously, " What?!" They both asked playing dumb.  
  
"You said you only saw the movies and you said something about a fifth book!"  
  
"No!" Both girls replied.  
  
"Yes, you did!" Hermione argued.  
  
"Prove it!" Jensen challenged  
  
"Dude, if she busts out a script I am sooo outta here." Whispered Carie.  
  
"What script would I 'bust out'?" Hermione asked.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Carie asked. "You're friggin' insane woman."  
  
"Me... I.... You... Grr... I'm outta here. "Hermione screamed in frustration and stormed off up the stairs.  
  
"That was close." Jensen sighed and wiped invisible sweat from her brow.  
  
"Yeah, I really thought she was gonna bust out a script." Carie replied.  
  
"Yeah that's it. Moron." Jensen said, smacking Carie in the back of the head. "She could have found out that we truly don't belong here."  
  
"Jensen, if they haven't figured it out by now, seeing as I'm seventeen and you're fourteen and we're first years.... THEN I THINK WE'RE PRETTY SAFE! And if you hit me in the head again I may be forced to snap you in half!" Carie growled in fury.  
  
"Ya know for a school of witchcraft and stuff they sure are dumb." Jensen added as they continued up the stairs. 


End file.
